Friday, June 1, 2007

Interview with Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin

It's fucking Friday....woot!

An so, I present you with another interview with a famous dead person, Boris Yeltsin.

ME: Good morning, Comrade Yeltsin. I appreciate you agreeing to meet with me.
BY: Da. [Nods, taking a swig off a bottle of Stohli vodka]
ME: So, let's were born in 1931 and just died this year. Pretty much your life was bookended by two fascist fucksticks, Hitler and Putin.
BY: Ah, yes. Very observant you are. [swig]. Old 'Hitler was indeed a fascista fuckstick. Killing Nazis was good for the soul. Only reason I made it up here [swig].
ME: up here? Oh, heaven. Gotcha. I thought you commie bastards didn't believe in God and shit like that?
BY: [gulp] Me? Communist? No, no, no. I was far too drunk to even think about being a Communist. Too many rules to remember. I was more of a "don't really give a fuck" independent.
ME: Ah, gotcha. I guess you're right...looking back on your record, you really didn't do much of shit, did you?
BY: [laughing] Well, my liver might disagree with that assessment.
ME: Oh yeah - you were a bit of an alchoholic weren't you? Ever consider one of them 12 step programs?
BY: For what? Vodka is mother's milk for Christs Sake! I didn't have a problem [big gulp].
ME: Ok then. Hey, I remember hearing that you blew one of your fingers off playing with hand grenades when you were a youngster - preparing to fight the Nazi Hun bastards.
BY: [shows hand missing finger] Well, in truth, that was just a story, I actually cut it off with a table saw while making a birdhouse for my mommie. The hand grenade story was just much cooler - used to get me laid all the time.
ME: No shit! Wow. Hey, I wanted to ask your opinion about a couple people.
ME: Mikhail Gorbachev?
BY: Pansy with, what the fuck was that on his head?
ME: George Bush?
BY: Which one, dumbass?
ME: Oh, bad...the current president.
BY: He speaks worse English than I do.
ME: Helmut Kohl?
BY: Nazi bastard [big gulp]
ME: Chancellor Kohl, a Nazi?
BY: All them hun bastards are Nazis in my book.[swig]
ME: Gotcha....Margret Thatcher?
BY: One hot momma...I'd like to...
ME: Wow, slow down dude....I just ate breakfast
BY: no, really, on the political scene she was just a swinging momma - great tits! [big big gulp]
ME: Uhm, dude - we're done here. I can't think straight now.
BY: She had a great little stripclub number she woul....
ME: Done. Thanks. Bye. I'm leaving.
BY: Her tits were....