Thursday, June 7, 2007

Why the Soviet Union Collapsed

I always thought it was because Reagan spent the Commies into the poor turns out that their video games just absolutely SUCKED.

Holy Christ! These things are fucking horrible. I'd rather slam my nuts in a car door than pay to play one of these pieces of shit.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Just In: Global Warming Solution Found

From CNN:

Apparently the solution to the global warming problem is a good ol' world wide pandemic that kills millions.

When a climatologist tells you the only thing that's going to reverse the
effects of global warming is a "good old-fashioned pandemic that wipes out
millions" your ears perk up. Mine sure did when climatologist Bill Patzert of
NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory told me that.

Surely, this couldn't be fear-mongering?

Back from Cali

Well, I'm back from my business trip to Cali. Good trip, achieved what we wanted to achieve. No earthquakes or natural disasters. Flights on time the whole way there and back. Uneventful.

I noticed something kind of bizarre though - Delta has little video touchscreens on all of the chair backs now, offering TV, movies, games, etc. One thing it has you do when you turn in on is pick your language. Being an English speaker, I got it...English. Well, one of the options on this screen is to basically have it interactively show flight data, including updating the flight path on a map.

Now for the odd part, it rotates through about 4 different screens, first showing the data in SPANISH, then in English. Now, since I took the time to identify myself as an English speaker, why the Spanish at all? But even more bizarre - since this plane is part of a US fleet and flies strictly within the US, why would it show the Spanish data first and then the English?

Just kind of annoyed my sensibilities a bit.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

My golf game SUCKS right now

Man, I must have done something to piss off the golf gods - cause my game is a fucking train wreck right now. Nothing feels right. I've lost my mojo. Truly a fickle fucking game. At least I'm not a club thrower (I hate those jackasses). I curse. Make fun of myself. And just suck it up, knowing that at some point things will turn back around.

The golf gods are funny though - you can be having a shit day like I was today, and they'll throw something in to keep you coming back. I knocked a 40 yard chip in the hole today for a birdie on our 10th hole. Whip cream on shit.

I'm off to see the wizard....

Actually, I'm not. I am off to see a customer tomorrow out on the west coast. Oh goodie. Nothing like flying coast-to-coast. The good news is that it should be a fairly short trip - but sometime on Wednesday.

I'm a rather savvy business traveller - let's just say I pack a lot of shit in a very small area. I NEVER EVER check bags - I can travel for a full week with nothing more than a gym bag with all my shit rolled up real tight (I just iron it when I get to my new 'home base') and my laptop bag. And I don't wear anything more than once - and usually have a couple sets of goof off outfits to boot.

I always get a giggle when my colleagues, packing for the same trip, bring along eight pairs of fucking shoes, a trunk and four suitcases. Dip shits - learn how to fucking travel!

Saturday, June 2, 2007

It's Raining! It's Pouring!

Rain. Lots of rain. YEAH! We've been having something of a MAJOR draught here in Florida over the last year. This is the first massive rain we've had in a long time. This is fucking beautiful. News says we could get upwards of 6 inches. If only my wife were so lucky.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Interview with Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin

It's fucking Friday....woot!

An so, I present you with another interview with a famous dead person, Boris Yeltsin.

ME: Good morning, Comrade Yeltsin. I appreciate you agreeing to meet with me.
BY: Da. [Nods, taking a swig off a bottle of Stohli vodka]
ME: So, let's were born in 1931 and just died this year. Pretty much your life was bookended by two fascist fucksticks, Hitler and Putin.
BY: Ah, yes. Very observant you are. [swig]. Old 'Hitler was indeed a fascista fuckstick. Killing Nazis was good for the soul. Only reason I made it up here [swig].
ME: up here? Oh, heaven. Gotcha. I thought you commie bastards didn't believe in God and shit like that?
BY: [gulp] Me? Communist? No, no, no. I was far too drunk to even think about being a Communist. Too many rules to remember. I was more of a "don't really give a fuck" independent.
ME: Ah, gotcha. I guess you're right...looking back on your record, you really didn't do much of shit, did you?
BY: [laughing] Well, my liver might disagree with that assessment.
ME: Oh yeah - you were a bit of an alchoholic weren't you? Ever consider one of them 12 step programs?
BY: For what? Vodka is mother's milk for Christs Sake! I didn't have a problem [big gulp].
ME: Ok then. Hey, I remember hearing that you blew one of your fingers off playing with hand grenades when you were a youngster - preparing to fight the Nazi Hun bastards.
BY: [shows hand missing finger] Well, in truth, that was just a story, I actually cut it off with a table saw while making a birdhouse for my mommie. The hand grenade story was just much cooler - used to get me laid all the time.
ME: No shit! Wow. Hey, I wanted to ask your opinion about a couple people.
ME: Mikhail Gorbachev?
BY: Pansy with, what the fuck was that on his head?
ME: George Bush?
BY: Which one, dumbass?
ME: Oh, bad...the current president.
BY: He speaks worse English than I do.
ME: Helmut Kohl?
BY: Nazi bastard [big gulp]
ME: Chancellor Kohl, a Nazi?
BY: All them hun bastards are Nazis in my book.[swig]
ME: Gotcha....Margret Thatcher?
BY: One hot momma...I'd like to...
ME: Wow, slow down dude....I just ate breakfast
BY: no, really, on the political scene she was just a swinging momma - great tits! [big big gulp]
ME: Uhm, dude - we're done here. I can't think straight now.
BY: She had a great little stripclub number she woul....
ME: Done. Thanks. Bye. I'm leaving.
BY: Her tits were....